Miscarriage

Assalamualaikum

In my humble count, today is my 139th days of my marriage. Alhamdullillah is the only word deserved. So many happened within those period. I should thank Allah for everything. I learnt alot. I cried a river. I screamed. I lost hope. I gave up. I did not want to speak to anyone. I felt that I always be the unlucky one. I was angry. I was full of hatred. After all, I was frustrated. Yet, I learn to be strong. I learn redha. I convince myself that as human we cannot have everything in our life. Gradually I could accept what had happened as soon I slowly recovering. 

I was pregnant after two months I got married. I became extremely tired. I was restless. It was during fasting month. I became so hungry and mostly very thirsty. Up to a point I was so thirsty I felt so dry and not even a drop of saliva stayed in my mouth. I even had hallucination my mom came to me and gave me water because she pitied me. I cried because it was my mom not anyone else. The liquid in my body was also declined. But I survived one month of Ramadhan. 30 days full. 

I took return flight ticket to my husband's hometown for aidilfitri. Next two weeks, we went back to my hometown. The next day,my school had open day. Can you imagine how exausted I was. Fyi, pregnant woman cannot get tired at all. AT ALL. But I was tired. I was tired at schoo. I was tired at home. I was stressed out with school. I had to teach extra classes at my early pregnancy. I handle the worse class ever in my carrer. I was demotivated. 

On sunday, when I got back from school. I bleed. We went to the clinic and the doctor said everything was fine. I bleed because I was too tired. However, the fetus was small for its age. That night, I slept early because I was too tired. I couldn't sleep because my stomach was painful. So my husband read some surah and put sugi water on my stomach. I felt better after that. So I slept. That night, I couldn't sleep. I stomach was painful and it was unbearable. The pain was like period pain but stronger. My stomach had severe cramps. I bleed again. But I did not tell my husband because he was sleeping. He might be tired too. 

I woke up around 4 for isyak. A blood clot just drop on the flood and I was like 'it is'. We rushed to the hospital. Doctor did the VE. It was painful. But  I was still able to bear it. Based on my story, how I felt and check up, it was confirm a miscarriage. But, the fetus was there and like the previous doctor said, it was too small for its age. So I was alright. My baby was safe. Doctor asked to come again after 2 weeks. If the fetus did not grow, we had to take it out.

Within those 2 weeks, I bleed everyday. I was scared and I had the guts the baby was no longer there. I knew it by the way I was no longer had headache. No more restless day. I became energetic again. I can cook as usual. I kept the guts to myself even to my husband. People around me asked me to thinnk positive. But I already knew it. (Crying typing this)

After 2 weeks, I went to the hospital alone because Amirul couldn't leave the school. The doctor did the scan. The fetus was there. The size was not growing. The white dot that showed the heart  was longer seen. It was practically dead.  The doctor did the VE. It dead. I did urine test and it was negative. I can accept that. 

I had to under go a procedure to take out the fetus without any drugs. It's like under go an operation alive. I was painful and believe me, you dont want that. I suffered post procedure. I vomited at least 3 times before Amirul arrived. After that, I cried endlessly. I was too sad. I was in pain. Everyone thought I was ok, but I was not. I had mightmare at night. I dont know who I should tell. I still have nightmares until now.

I swear to God, coping with miscarriage is hard. Hard that I cant explain expilicitly how. Even my husband couldn't do much to help me. Everything is new for us. But he provided excellent emotional support. All you need is support from people around. Luckily, my mom always checking on me. She called me. Texted me. Advice me what should I do and shouldn't. Do not eat this and that. Yes, memang Allah yang sembuhkan. Semua takdir Allah. Sebagai manusia kita tetap harus berusaha. 

                                    

Baby, we love you. But Allah knows better. Semoga Allah menggantikan kami dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik dan pada masa yang tepat. Kamu membuat semua orang bahagia untuk seketika.